Back Story:
A: I have dealt with depression/Bi-polar-panic issues since I was a teen. I am a great worrier and overthinker. I tend to avoid rather than confront.
B: My wife and I are white water river guides.
So when I first started guiding I was scared a lot truth be told. The river, my skills, my ability to lead, the teams skills, the river. I was scared. I smoked smokes on the shuttle drives and got even more worried.
It wouldn't pass until the first rapid, then it tapered off. Then I felt better.
The annoying thing those wasn't those times, those were triggered by the actual event happening. What's annoying is the panic attakes days or weeks before. I would see the river in my mind while riding the bus. I would see every wave. My heart would jump right up and start pounding. My mind reeling. Breath short.
This happened for several years, often adding a major argument with my wife, she trying her best to convienve me to turn that emotion into excitement.
It's finally happening, and without me doing anything to flip it. It took quitting smoking, it took swimming more often, it took just a mental attitude change.
Today I was riding the bus. Good song on the headphones. The I saw the rapid. Rock-N-Roll, the first rapid, the longest rapid, the one were is shit goes wrong it could really go wrong.
My heart started thumping. My mind was totally there seeing the waves, hearing the waves.
I smiled.
I felt joy.
I mentally paddled through each bend. Until We made it out the otherside.
You can do this too if you share my issues. It takes work and time and paitence and love. Mostly self love.
See the river, paddle on.
Thanks for reading,
E
