On being Fat.

Ok, truth time. 3rd kid, and the heaviest I think I may have ever weighed.

I a tubby. I am fat. I am overweight. I am obese.

Now that I offended some of you, grossed out some of you, and had a few of you go "yep, totally understand", let's talk about something.

Weight and body image are two things in my mind. There is the clinical understandings, as in, clinically, I am overweight, no edit that, technically obese. Then there is personal feelings, basically I am a tubby fat lazy bugger. Oh, then a third which is world view and understanding of weight, but I am not getting into that here. While yes I care, I don't feel like putting the energy into caring about that aspect at the moment.

It's really the personal view of weight that I am getting at. And more so, dealing with said weight. I got a subscription that the Daily Burn, an online video sit that hosts work out videos of several types and gives you feedback as you progress. The price is good and being a papa of 3 kids I A- can't afford a gym membership though I really want one, and B-Have limited time and limited flexibility in time.

Videos work for me.

Now the other things that helps me is a special type of self-depricating humor. I call myself names as I work out, swear at myself while I run, basically I am not nice to myself. Now don't get me wrong, I like myself, my mind my philosophy, my spirit. But that layer of fat on my belly and butt and neck, those flabby muscles? No, I don't like those. They are not Me, that are a part of me but not Me. Think of it as a parasite of sorts. It is on me, in me, but not me.

I am not at peace with that layer of fat. I hate it, loathe it, regret it. I want it gone.

Now I have to work. I have to push, try, fight, keep pushing, keep trying, keep fighting. I also have to understand that there are times I will slip, but not to let that slip stand, but to go, well I did that, now lets not do that again.

I am fat. I don't want to be fat. There is only one logical course of action. Eat smaller and better and work out.

We all deal with our bodies our own way. Each of us have our demons to drag along everyday.  This is how I deal with mine.


Thanks for reading,

E

How to become a Strong Man

How to become a Strong Man in just a few simple steps.

1. Start like this.

2. Shave everything but the mustache and eyebrows

3. Wear your underwear and carry huge weights. Get a medal too.

4. Show up at local bar and impress everybody.

5. Sing and Dance to Macho Man

 6. Work It

Fireplace -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on July 19th, 2013. It was claimed within 15 minutes.

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So there you were, you and her, the lights low, and bottle of chablis, (fake) bear skin rug, Marvin Gay on the iTunes. You were set for romance. In fact, you showered today and trimmed up your..um..back hair to try to impress her.

All that time you put into this relationship is about to pay off. The flirting at the office, inviting her out for after work drinks at TGI Fridays, that time you offered to look after her dog while she goes on that short work trip and you did not go through her underwear drawer even though you really wanted to lest she think you a creeper.

Here is it. The moment. This is it. Soon you'll be doing the horizontal mambo. Then it hit you, you don't have a fireplace. NOOOOOOOO! This won't do! You need the warmth and the smell and the sounds of the eternal primal fire to stir that sexual beast inside her!

Don't panic. I got you buddy, I got you. I just happen to have a fireplace that is sitting in my backyard just wanting for you to take home, clean up, install, and start the love making.

Ok, its been outside for a long time, in fact I used to use it as an outdoor fireplace, but I want to do different things to my backyard. We can't install in our house so there it is. Rusty, yep, dirty, yep, will it work, yep.

You need to haul it out, bring a couple people and a cart or something to help move it, cause it's heavy.

So, I wanted to ask money for it, but let's be honest, I am giving it away for free. But, should your soul require you to bestow upon me a token of appreciation, feel free to do so. I just happen to like beer and irish whisky.

Thanks for reading,

E

BBQ -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on July 18th, 2013. It was claimed in less than an hour and picked up on the 19th.

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Once upon a time there was a magical land where dads would gather and grill the flesh of animals and drink beer and talk with out interruption of children or their spouses. It was a magical place. The land of BBQ it was called.

But after long, BBQ was used less and less, time was busy, life was busy, busy busy busy busy. These men spent less time together and more time with the families. BBQ fell into a deep rut and fell into disrepair. Sadness spread through the land. Microwaved hotdogs did not have the same appeal.

Then one day, a stranger came upon the land, and said, "I shall take it upon me to do something with this. Maybe I shall repair it, maybe I shall use the parts to build something else, maybe I shall take it and scrap it for some money."

The propane tank in the photo is not included.

Thanks for reading,

E

Hey Buddy, Can you help me find a job?

I am looking for work, or as some call it a job. I am a recent college graduate from Shoreline Community College with an AA and a GPA of 3.44.

I have many skills and talents in working with people, showmanship, event planning and event coordinating, kitchen help, cooking cleaning, writing, layout, researching, and lots of other things.

The kicker is is that my wife is going through her Masters degree at the UW and we have two kids, ages 2 and 7. I am basically a stay at home dad for the most part. On top of that we are white water river guides for a Joint Base Lewis McChord outdoor rec program that I have been a volunteer for for over 10 years.

So I can totally work weekends, but I have several dates that I cannot work due to prior commitments. Which is a bugger.

The truth is, yes that sucks, but I can tell you and I have loads of folks that can back me up, that when I am there working for you, I am basically amazing. You won't regret hiring me even with a wacky schedule.

Contact me to connect and lets make awesome things together.


Thanks for reading,

Eric

Headboard, queen size, wooden -- A Craigslist ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 19th, 2013.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3816560869.html
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I am giving away a queen-bed sized, wooden headboard. It is simple and classic in design. It does have a few wear marks and a hair line crack. No attaching hardware included.

Now, I am not saying this headboard will give you magical loving powers, but let's just say that my life has changed a lot since getting my hands on it. I bought it while on a trip in China. I was walking down a rather lonesome alleyway when I came upon this seemingly ancient shop. The owner of the shop didn't even ask me what I wanted, but looked me over and said in broken English "Headboard". I was confused, but interested. So I bought it. Paid $60 American dollars for it.

Packed it up and took it home. And my life changed. I was able to do things in bed that I have only seen on the internet. Which turns out has lots of porn on it, who knew. I was more flexible, potent, lasting, and I even enjoyed cuddling now to. I went from zero, in fact less than zero, to Hero. I was like a funk bands horn section of sexual power, and if you have ever seen a really good funk band horn section do their thang, you'll understand.

Now, why would I get rid of it? Well, turns out I have these same powers and skills even when I am not in my bed. Hotels, motels, campgrounds, back of the mini-van, the kitchen table, upside down river rafts. I guess, the power of the headboard has passed into me. Now, I can't confirm that it still has the magic, but what could it hurt. Heck if you believe enough, maybe it will have a placebo effect.

Email for directions, I'll take the ad down when it's confirmed gone, unless I am doing the horizontal mambo. In which case it'll be a few hours before I do that.

Cheers

2 Microwaves - Scrap or Art? -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 19th, 2013.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3816482524.html
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I am going to give you the greatest chance in the world. You are going to be given a set of parts that may be able to build a time machine. Yep. You're own Time Machine, like that movie Primer, or Back To The Future 5 (well, you have to go to the year 2025 to see that.) 

I am doing this by giving you the chance to take away not one, but two(2) microwaves. Now these microwave, or Time Machine Parts as well call them around here, may or may not work. They do need some cleaning as they have been outside mostly covered on our back porch. One is really big, one is "normal" size (hey no getting to some long winded Comparative History of Idea's discussion over what defines normal alright.)

Now, like I was saying, I am pretty sure you can build a Time Machine out of these. Do I have plans for one? No. I am a writer, father, husband, worker, and not a theoretical engineer. But maybe you are. Do be aware that you'll want to build safety systems including, but not limited to, pressurized cabins, cabins containing breathable air, and a way to achieve elevation incase the land the machine is on is covered in ice or what not.

Email for directions. I'll take the ad down once the items are confirmed gone.

Cheers.