Headboard, queen size, wooden -- A Craigslist ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 19th, 2013.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3816560869.html
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I am giving away a queen-bed sized, wooden headboard. It is simple and classic in design. It does have a few wear marks and a hair line crack. No attaching hardware included.

Now, I am not saying this headboard will give you magical loving powers, but let's just say that my life has changed a lot since getting my hands on it. I bought it while on a trip in China. I was walking down a rather lonesome alleyway when I came upon this seemingly ancient shop. The owner of the shop didn't even ask me what I wanted, but looked me over and said in broken English "Headboard". I was confused, but interested. So I bought it. Paid $60 American dollars for it.

Packed it up and took it home. And my life changed. I was able to do things in bed that I have only seen on the internet. Which turns out has lots of porn on it, who knew. I was more flexible, potent, lasting, and I even enjoyed cuddling now to. I went from zero, in fact less than zero, to Hero. I was like a funk bands horn section of sexual power, and if you have ever seen a really good funk band horn section do their thang, you'll understand.

Now, why would I get rid of it? Well, turns out I have these same powers and skills even when I am not in my bed. Hotels, motels, campgrounds, back of the mini-van, the kitchen table, upside down river rafts. I guess, the power of the headboard has passed into me. Now, I can't confirm that it still has the magic, but what could it hurt. Heck if you believe enough, maybe it will have a placebo effect.

Email for directions, I'll take the ad down when it's confirmed gone, unless I am doing the horizontal mambo. In which case it'll be a few hours before I do that.

Cheers

2 Microwaves - Scrap or Art? -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 19th, 2013.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3816482524.html
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I am going to give you the greatest chance in the world. You are going to be given a set of parts that may be able to build a time machine. Yep. You're own Time Machine, like that movie Primer, or Back To The Future 5 (well, you have to go to the year 2025 to see that.) 

I am doing this by giving you the chance to take away not one, but two(2) microwaves. Now these microwave, or Time Machine Parts as well call them around here, may or may not work. They do need some cleaning as they have been outside mostly covered on our back porch. One is really big, one is "normal" size (hey no getting to some long winded Comparative History of Idea's discussion over what defines normal alright.)

Now, like I was saying, I am pretty sure you can build a Time Machine out of these. Do I have plans for one? No. I am a writer, father, husband, worker, and not a theoretical engineer. But maybe you are. Do be aware that you'll want to build safety systems including, but not limited to, pressurized cabins, cabins containing breathable air, and a way to achieve elevation incase the land the machine is on is covered in ice or what not.

Email for directions. I'll take the ad down once the items are confirmed gone.

Cheers.

A Piano! -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 8th, 2013. Technically I had posted it on the 4th, but no takers so after a couple of repostings I rewrote it.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3781339881.html
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SO you said to yourself the other day, "I wish I could play the piano!" And you looked around you house only to realize that you did not have a piano. Shoot Beans!

Friend, today is your lucky day, cause I just happen to have a piano I want to get rid of. For FREE! It is an upright piano!

Couple things to note about this piano, it's been sitting outside under cover for a couple of years now. It's also in my backyard. You will need a truck or a trailer or something cause it's a piano right!

This piano needs a lot of love and care but could be a great piano. Hey it's free right. It appears that some of the keys might be not working, and it is way out of tune. Or it's a art piece, or something to smash putt. Or scrap.

We're in Greenwood, email for directions and a time to do this. Bring a few friends, a truck or trailer, maybe a ramp to help you move it.

I'll delete this ad when the piano is gone.

Cheers.

Fishing Tackle Box with tackle -- A craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 8th, 2013. I had posted this along with the fishing poles, but the guy who picked those up left the tackle box.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3792750590.html

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Right now, sitting on my front porch, is one of the worlds greatest things. A weeping Angel. Oh no, wait that's kind of scary. No, it's a tackle box, that has a large top lid compartment, and 2, count them, Two sidling drawer compartments with those little separator doodles to help you be organized.

Honestly, if you've been following the Free section of Craigslist you may have seem my other writings: The lamps that are LSD worthy, the desk that wanted love and pizza, the fishing poles that help parents teach children about lying. Gold I tell you, and not trying to be vain, but those were top notch gold standard essays.

But, wow, the best I come up with for this tackle box is a lame Dr. Who reference? That's what I get for being a college student married to a college student with two little rugrats and not getting enough sleep. So instead I sit and type and vent about my own failures as a writer. Unlike the tackle box. Which is a fantastic writer. Well ghost writer at least. The publishing company (they request that I don't divulge who they are in public) decided that having "Fishing Tackle Box" as the authors name was not as catchy as say Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, or Richard Scarry. Now those are names.

By the way the tackle box does come with some tackle, like you know like hooks and plastic worms, hooks, weights and other jiggly bits.

So instead the tackle box makes a decent living being a ghost writer for (also due to legal reasons I can't divulge those names, but let's just say that "A Charge to Keep: My Journey to the White House" would have been mostly pictures of animals and a high ranking politician using a lightsaber). It's not sad by it's lack of fame, of course, I mean at the end of the day it is just a tackle box. Oh, where does the money go that it earns? Not only is it a great writer, but the damn thing is also an Altruistic S.O.B. It gives away all of it's earnings to a variety of charities through a trust account that I cannot touch. So, be aware of that when you take the tackle box, you won't see a single dime. Unless you sell the fish you catch.

So why, my writing sucks today, I am off my game. I'll try harder later when I try to get rid of a wooden futon frame that is slightly broken and has been outside for several years.


Which reminds me, email for directions. I'll take the ad down once the tackle box is gone.

Cheers.

Fishing Pole - Catch An Awesome Good Time! -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this on Craigslist Seattle, under the Free Stuff section on May 5th, 2013. It was picked up on the 6th.

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We are giving away a couple of fishing poles and a tackle box of fishing tackle for free. "Why?" you ask. Because we have a lot of stuff we don't use and felt it better that they go to somebody how would use them.

Both fishing poles come with reels, which are Zebco brand as are the poles. The poles are good for most kids and even adults. The tackle box has...tackle in it, you know like hooks and plastic worms and other jiggly bits.

But you want to know what's really special about this set? It came from Minnesota. Yep, Land of Ten Thousand Lakes. You know what people do there? Fish. They fish like us Seattleites drink coffee. Which, if my understanding of the energy of the universe (which I don't cause I have to read the book "Fishing and the Universal Quantum Energy Theory) (Mostly because it has not been written.)(At least not that I found on Amazon.com), means that these poles will not only help you catch fish, these fish will be huge and plentiful and tasty.

Lastly, fishing is a wonderful family bonding activity. Get to learn about catch and release, fish cleaning and guts, the smell of a lake, the smell of fish guts, how worms feel in your fingers, fish species and most importantly, lying. You may be asking yourself, what does this guy mean lying? Well, you can teach your kids that generally, lying is really bad and never do it. Unless it comes to fishing, then the size of your fish doubles and maybe even triples. This is normal for fishing. So really, your kids will learn about timing.

So pick up these free fishing poles and tackle box full of gear and have the Quantum World of Magical Lying Fish come a knocking at your door.

Which reminds me, email for directions. I'll take the ad down once these poles are gone.

Cheers.

Two Lamps - Super Groovy! -- A Craigslist Ad

I posted this ad on May 6th, 2013 in the Seattle Craigslist Free Stuff section. They were picked up on the 6th!



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Hey. Hey you....Yeah you....wanna lamp? Yeah I bet you do. I can see it in your eyes. You're jonesin' for a wicked far-out mind blowing lamp. But guess what friend, I got what you need. And I got two of them. And you're in luck, I gonna give them to you for free. Yeah free, you heard me. Cause I like you friend, cause I like you.

That's right. I have two amazing one of a kind lamps. I have pictures because honestly, no words can be used to describe their awesomeness. Not even Robert Anton Wilson & Robert Shea, those two wacked out hippy guys that wrote the The Illuminatus Trilogy could have thought up words for these lamps. Well, maybe if they were really really high. Which of course is now legal in Washington, which means maybe, if you took these lamps home, got really high, maybe just maybe you could write the words. 

But I warn you, such an endeavor could alter your reality forever, like in the movie Alter-States, Lawn Mower Man, and Look Who's Talking. FOREVER!

A couple things two note about these lamps. One lamp needs a new plug, it lost its plug in a bar fight defending the honor of a lovely lass. It was a bloody brawl, but in the end the lamp won. Which also means we can not state that it works, we're pretty sure it will, it is a plucky lamp.

The other lamp does have some rust damage on the bottom. Just like me. It's a hereditary condition, don't ask.

But they are free. Free like your mind will be once these lamps are in your house, lighting your room like the giant space light bulb sending it's waves of joy and brilliance down upon you.

Email for directions, I'll take the ad down once they are gone. Please take both lamps, they don't like to be alone.

Cheers.

Solid Wood Desk for Kids -- A Craigslist ad

I posted this ad on May the 4th, 2013 in the Seattle Craigslist Free Stuff section. It was picked up on the 7th.

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Hello, 

We are giving away, for FREE, a child size desk. It is solid wood parts, not that fiber board stuff, yuck, but solid wood which means when you give it some love it will be totally amazing. Totally. It love needs love though, lets be honest, but really don't we all? Isn't what we all want out of life is to be loved? Oh that and some decent pizza. Yep Love and pizza.

Anyways, it needs some love (I suggest fixing it while eating pizza), the top has some damage that would need a good sanding, and it only has the center drawer and missing the 3 side drawers. Missing or ready to install a really neat o space for a computer, or fish tank? I don't know, I am just a guy who needs love and a pizza.

Now, smart kids have used this desk, so I bet your kids will be smart too, or at least thrifty.

You'll note the damage to the top in the one picture, you also note that your kids could do Vector Analysis if they wanted (books not included). Just saying.

All in all it's a neat desk that you will learn to love, because we all want love, even desks and pizza. Your kids will love it too, or you could use the desk to replace all of your furniture with tiny furniture and fool your friends.

32" Wide, 17" Deep, 30" Tall

Email for directions.

I'll take this posting down once it's gone.

Cheers.

Carpet. Kind of Gross -- A Craigslist Ad

~~~~~ Update: The ad got flagged for an yet to be found out reason. I will have to rewrite it.

I posted in the Free Stuff section of the Seattle Craigslist on May 5th, 2013.

http://seattle.craigslist.org/see/zip/3787356315.html

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Carpet, in theory it is beige in color, 30" x 50"

Ok, you've seen a lot of crap on Craigslist before. And you have even fallen for some free ad saying they will give you for free a really awesome thing, like an egg timer that also tells the future. Then you pick it up and Shut-The-Front-Door, this this doesn't tell the future and it sucks at keeping time!

So, I am not going to lie to you. This carpet is kind of gross and could use a really good cleaning. It has been outside and more than likely slept on by a cat, and maybe even an opossum. So ya, it's nothing to write home about. But throwing it away goes against our Reduce-Reuse-Recycle ethos (yeah when was the last time you saw the word Ethos in a craigslist ad!). It we must we will end up throwing it away, but it just seems that maybe you could use this weird carpet for something.

Hey, I have a carpet.
And it is yucky.
But I'll give you my address,
if you email me, maybe?

(Email for directions and I'll take the ad down once it's gone.)

Cheers.